Scott Hammon

Archive for the ‘Anyway I’m Rambling’ Category

Cereal Blues 2

06 Aug

Tags: cereal, Cheerios, keeping it real
Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling, Food, Health/Fitness | 6 Comments »

This Tickle is entitled, “Cereal Blues 2.” General Mills has tainted the wholesome legacy of Cheerios. Cheerios used to be punk rock. I used to high-five that yellow box in the supermarkets. But not anymore. Next time you’re in the cereal aisle, count all the Cheerios brands you see. There’s so many different kinds, one could rattle them off like Bubba from Forrest Gump: Honey Nut Cheerios, Chocolate Cheerios, Fruity Cheerios, Yogurt Burst Cheerios, Multi Grain Cheerios, Multi Grain Cheerios with Peanut Butter, Frosted Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Cinnamon Burst Cheerios, Cheerios Oat Cluster Crunch, Dulce de Leche Cheerios, and Banana Nut Cheerios.
Seriously? Cheerios, you suck the life out of all the other COOL cereals. You make Kelloggs Raisin Bran feel constipated. Sonny is no longer Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs because his mom has him on Ritalin now, even Lucky from Lucky Charms stepped in dog crap today. Shame on you, Cheerios.

Weird

30 Jul

Tags: death, skinny, Weird Al
Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling, Growing Up, Kids, TV/Movies, TV/Movies/Music | 6 Comments »

This tickle is entitled, “Weird.” One time when I was in sixth grade I was feeling really sad. Apparently, this popular girl at school told me I was too skinny. Well I went in my room and opened up my music box of cassette tapes. I noticed that I had quite a few albums by Weird Al Yankovic. After carefully looking at each one, I soon realized that my life wasn’t so bad after all. Because I, Scott Hammon, owned a lot of Weird Al Yankovic tapes. And for some nerdy reason, this made me feel really good.
Unfortunately, “Eat It” doesn’t bring the joy it used to. So, now if I wanna cheer myself up, I just cry.

A few years ago Weird Al lost both of his parents accidentally because of carbon monoxide poisoning. Their fireplace wasn’t properly releasing smoke and they died in their sleep.

Yeah, there’s nothing funny about that. Sorry.

Random

22 Jul

Tags: bad things, death, dying
Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling, Health/Fitness, Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

This tickle is entitled, “Random.” Sometimes I think about all the awful things that could happen. And there’s a lot of awful scenarios. But then people try to make you feel better by giving you statistics. Like relax, there’s a one in a thousand chance you’ll get hit by a bus filled with laughing middle school children — who think the sight of your blood is cool. Or there’s a one in a thousand chance you’ll be stabbed by a homeless man named Sock on your way to work – he didn’t mean it. Or there’s a one in a thousand chance an air conditioner will fall on your head, and you’ll never know if it was an Energy Saver or not. Or there’s a one in a thousand chance you’ll be eaten by a shark – who is actually sickened by the taste of your Old Spiced flavored armpits.

And geez, there’s so many rare and common diseases out there! But at first you’re like, “Great, one out of a thousand? I’m probably gonna be okay today. Phew.” But then again, if you add up all of the crazy random nasty crap that can happen to you, and there’s definitely way more than a thousand, then there’s probably a good chance one of those things will happen at some point in your life. That’s kinda scary. Especially if you think your biggest problem at the moment is “Do I eat the 20 piece Chicken McNuggets which give me the farts, or do I go with the McApple Pie which does the same but at least I’m eating apples…”

Garbage Pail Kids

16 Jul

Tags: garbage, gross, trading cards
Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling, Family, Growing Up, Kids | 2 Comments »

This tickle is entitled, “Garbage Pail Kids.” In second grade, I loved collecting Garbage Pail Kids. I still have them in a box at my parents house. My mom wants to throw them away so that she’ll have more room to sew. So what? They will one day be worth millions of dollars. I just haven’t figured out what day that day will be. Besides, kids don’t have cool trading cards like this anymore. Instead they have Yu-Gi-Oh, and Pokemon. Which have a stupid point system, that I can’t fully wrap my brain around. The next generation needs to go back to the basics — embrace the immature culture of gross. I remember hearing the faint sound of the ice cream truck from blocks away, scrambling to get the change out of my piggy bank, and if I didn’t have enough I’d borrow from my special collection of two dollar bills. Just for Garbage Pail Kids. I still have fond memories of Messie Tessie “jumping rope” with her own snot. Or a disgusting picture of a kid playing in an unflushed toilet named Dire Rita. My mom didn’t mind them because she thought they were educational — because I told her I put them in “alphabetical order.” Apparently, they are reintroducing the series in October and are presently making a brand new movie. I don’t really care. But kids should. It’s gross. Stop being a bunch of wimpy dorks. Burn the Pokemon and start looking for a limited edition of Nasty Neil — he’s the one eating corn flakes out of a toilet bowl.

Dog Tails

09 Jul

Tags: dogs, tails
Posted in Animals, Anyway I'm Rambling | No Comments »

This tickle is entitled, “Dog Tails.” Oh, the poor dogs. A lot of people think some dogs are born with short tails. But they’re really cut off by people. Do people cut them off because of tail envy or because tails have a tendency to knock crap off of tables? No, they cut them off just because. It’s called docking. Did you know it’s illegal in most countries, except the USA and New Zealand? The way I see it is, flies like poop. And butts smell like poop. And animals need tails to keep flies away from their smelly butts. That’s why Rottweilers, pit bulls, and Doberman Pinschers are stereotypically grumpy dogs. Because they can’t keep little bugs away from their butt. If I felt something crawling around down there all day and I couldn’t do nothin’ about it, I’d probably bite somebody too.

It Could Be Worse

02 Jul

Tags: diarrhea, problems
Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling, Growing Up, Health, Philosophical Poo | No Comments »

This tickle is entitled, “It Could Be Worse.” They say somebody always has it worse than you. Sometimes I see these people or I read about them. And it makes me feel grateful for what I’ve got. But eventually, I forget about them and get caught up with my own problems again. Which is really unproductive. Like having hiccups underwater. It’s hard to talk sense to your own competing problems. Quite often I am swayed by the opinions of: the ‘Losing Your Hair’ fairies, the ‘Diarrhea On Vacation’ evil spirits, the ‘Money Problem’ pixies, the ‘Did You Lose Weight Because You’re Lookin’ Too Skinny’ demons, the ‘Egg Fart’ ghosts, the ‘Poor Me I’m Feeling Sick’ goblins, the ‘My Job Sucks So Much’ gnomes, and of course the ‘I’ll Never Have A Pet Monkey Like Ross From The Show Friends’ elves.

Boy Scouts

25 Jun

Tags: boy scouts, kool-aid, passing out
Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling, Kids, Nature | 13 Comments »

This Tickle is entitled, “Boy Scouts.” When I was a Boy Scout our troop prided itself on being cool. Because to everyone else in the world, being a Boy Scout really meant — “Losers That Like To Dress Up Like Nerd Soldiers and Go Camping Together.” The way I looked at it, it was a great way for dads to give their marriage some space and for boys to wreck havoc on nature. I remember I had a friend named Billy. And he was a ditz. He did whatever the older scouts wanted him to do. Like allowing himself to be put to sleep. The first time I saw this I was floored. They asked Billy to quickly run around the camp site — in order to get completely exhausted. Then one of the older boys came up behind him and put him in a sleeper hold. I had seen something like that on wrestling shows. But that was fake. And sure enough he passed out. And then they gently laid him on the ground. He woke up after a long, long ten seconds. And said “Cool!! I even remember what I dreamt!…I think I dreamt I was sleeping.”
After that, the older kids wanted me to try. But I was too scared that I wouldn’t wake up. So instead we indulged in more appropriate Boy Scout activities. Like writing our names in the grass with insect repellent and setting it afire. Or enjoying the minor thrills of snorting blue Kool-Aid.

Mind Over Matter

18 Jun

Tags: bathrooms, houses, mind over matter
Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling | 4 Comments »

This tickle is entitled, “Mind Over Matter.” I went shopping for a house yesterday. The place I saw was a duplex with three bedrooms and two bathrooms. But both bathrooms are on the second floor. Which reminds me, does anybody occasionally line the seat with toilet paper in their own house? Sometimes I do that, because I don’t trust my guests or the Lysol that tries to erase their butt cheek existence. Butt I digress. I hate stairs. And at this new place I’d have to climb stairs just to use the bathroom. I want there to be a smooth transition between me and pee and poo. You see, there’s this thing called “Mind Over Matter.” If you don’t believe in it, then let me illustrate an example. Have you ever had to go to the bathroom really bad? Of course. You eat crap all day. Yet you can do a fairly good job holding it until you get home. But once you scramble to take out your house keys, everything changes. Suddenly, your body is thrusted into emergency mode and a countdown clock bomb has been triggered. This happens because we let our eyes — which see the front door, give our brain an unnecessary panic message. It’s involuntary and I hate it. Because I remember a time when I didn’t open the door fast enough. You didn’t just read that.

Well, this new place that I might get has stairs right after you open the front door, and then a lot more stairs to get to the bathroom on the second floor. That seems like too many stairs for my “Mind” to climb in order to safely get on top of “Matter.”

Auditory Awfulness

04 Jun

Tags: Cops, crazy people, headphones, music
Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling, Family, Growing Up, Kids, Public Nuissance | 4 Comments »

This tickle is entitled, “Auditory Awfulness.” I feel old because I think kids listen to their music too loud. When I’m on the subway, bus, or in a quiet place, I can’t have a productive thought because I’m listening to a song that I shouldn’t even be able to hear. I don’t care if kids go deaf, or if their ears get hemorrhoids. I just don’t wanna hear the stupid lyrics from their stupid music coming out of their stupid headphones with stupid looking skulls on them. Your Skull Candy should just be for your skull, not mine. Turn it down. Because I’m your elder and I’m crazy for quiet. I eat toothpaste and poop cavities. I don’t know what that means.

However, there’s one type of musical culprit to avoid. If you’ve ever been on the subway in NY, you might’ve seen a guy like this: He rides the train with a boombox on his lap, he’s not homeless or a dancer about to entertain. He’s just a gangsta lookin’ middle aged dude. And I don’t know why but he’s allergic to headphones. And he must play his music loud and clear for everyone on the train — because he truly believes that he is God’s DJ, and it is his duty to deliver us The Jams. He doesn’t look disturbed, but normal people do not think they have these kind of rights. There is obviously something wrong with him. Which is why he must not be provoked. So if you see him, leave him alone.

When I was younger, adults always reminded me to turn my music down — or else I’d go deaf. Well, I didn’t go deaf. It never happened. But when people talk to me, I do find myself saying ‘What’ a lot. When my dad was younger he didn’t go to any loud concerts, which might be why you won’t hear him say, “What,” a lot. He just doesn’t answer you. It’s a super power he has that’s called selective hearing. But come on, dad. How engaging is Cops after its 24th season? You already know the guy caught with crack in his mouth is gonna say somebody else put it there. You already know the toothless redneck walkin’ around with suspicious bruises inside his armpit is gonna bite somebody. You already know the naked guy in the street will not have a good reason for being naked in the street.

Belly Lint

28 May

Tags: belly lint, nuts, squirrels
Posted in Animals, Anyway I'm Rambling, Nature | 10 Comments »

This tickle is entitled, “Belly Lint.” I get belly lint. Sometimes a lot. If I had belly buttons all over my body, in about a week I could knit a scarf for a squirrel. I once offered a nut to a squirrel. But he already had one in his mouth. I laid the nut on the ground and then he laid his nut next to mine. He was trying to decide which one was better.

He ended up taking his and running away. For some reason, animal rejection can hurt worse than human rejection. Which is why I followed the squirrel just to see where he was gonna bury that nut. After it was buried, and he was long gone, I seriously debated digging it back up, and replacing it with a small pebble. Attached to this pebble I wanted to tape a picture of my smiling face. But I quickly realized I didn’t have a picture of me that small.

So I decided to take the high road.

Squirrel, if you’re reading this, I hope your next Winter is very, very cold…and for Christmas, you can forget about getting a belly lint knitted scarf from me.