Each year, I try to stick to a new resolution. And usually it never works. It’s like saying to yourself “I want to be a better person but I’m not going to put a significant amount of effort into being a better person.” Around this time of year gyms become flooded with lots of new members. And they make loads of money off of people that eventually give up after the second or third month. The gym I go to is always packed with new people in January. But after a few months you start saying to yourself “Hmm…whatever happened to that weird guy that works out in flip flops and a ‘Kiss the Chef’ apron?

Two years ago, I decided to floss my teeth every other day and I’ve stuck to it. Which is incredible if you’re like me and never floss. Last year I wanted to eat more fish. And now I eat it twice a week. Miracles really do come true. But if you’re lacking confidence in your abilities to stick to your new resolutions, then maybe you need an avant-garde type of resolution. Make it your resolution to be one of those pricks that point out how everybody else didn’t stick to their resolutions. Be a Rude Resolutioner.

a) Wow. Your nails look better when you chew them. They’re fun to just grind on, huh? What hand did you say you wipe with?
b) Hey, the more weight, the bigger the cup size, right? Gyms are stupid, boobs are smart.
c) You know gambling isn’t really a disease. Because diseases can’t make you RICH!
d) Those drugs you’re taking are actually good for you. My Uncle Sal said so. Oh wait, I forgot. My Uncle Sal was lazy and he died of a drug overdose. But that won’t happen to you. You’re smart with your drugs.
e) Why spend more time with your kids, they’re not gonna remember anything.
f) Sure. You should keep ordering take-out at work. Bringing a homemade lunch only saves money. And you don’t need extra money. You just need more pizza, and Chinese food, and Deli sandwiches, and Mickey D’s, and fast food garbage. Idiot.