A lot of people are still nervous about throwing old batteries in the garbage. This is true because folks aren’t sure if batteries are toxic and will poison the earth or create a mass Smurf genocide. But what about homeless people? They eat the garbage before it even reaches the landfill. How come nobody even thinks about their safety? Sure, their standards aren’t as high — but that’s due to their very loose interpretation of the five second rule. I once watched a homeless man dig out a half-eaten hamburger and say “less than 50% mold equals gold.” I don’t know if that’s scientifically accurate or not but someone should be lookin’ out for his ass.
It is good to know that back in 1996 the government made the Battery Act. This made it illegal for everyday batteries to contain mercury. So you can feel more at ease the next time you open up an old Gameboy and find some crusty old acid oozing out of your Energizers. Surprisingly, that flaky crust contains high fructose corn syrup. Which means it’s made from corn. So, in a way it’s good for you. Happy Thanksgiving homeless people.