Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

Dead Batteries


22 Oct

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Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling, Food, Health, Public Nuissance | 2 Comments »

A lot of people are still nervous about throwing old batteries in the garbage. This is true because folks aren’t sure if batteries are toxic and will poison the earth or create a mass Smurf genocide. But what about homeless people? They eat the garbage before it even reaches the landfill. How come nobody even thinks about their safety? Sure, their standards aren’t as high — but that’s due to their very loose interpretation of the five second rule. I once watched a homeless man dig out a half-eaten hamburger and say “less than 50% mold equals gold.” I don’t know if that’s scientifically accurate or not but someone should be lookin’ out for his ass.
It is good to know that back in 1996 the government made the Battery Act. This made it illegal for everyday batteries to contain mercury. So you can feel more at ease the next time you open up an old Gameboy and find some crusty old acid oozing out of your Energizers. Surprisingly, that flaky crust contains high fructose corn syrup. Which means it’s made from corn. So, in a way it’s good for you. Happy Thanksgiving homeless people.   

Stinky Towels


15 Oct

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Posted in Animals, Annoyances, Anyway I'm Rambling, Health | 4 Comments »

Does your shower towel sometimes stink? Mine does, and that’s after less than a week. And why is this? I don’t dry myself like I’m buffing a bowling ball or like a male stripper using a t-shirt to toy with his audience. Both ways might be amusing… until you dry your face. They say we are what we eat. But my food doesn’t stink. I even refuse to let my wife cook salmon in the house. Which might seem tyrannical…if you’re a bear. But you’re not, or else you couldn’t even read this. So shut up. Which brings me to this important question: Why are the Charmin toilet paper bears still trying to use toilet paper? Of course they’re gonna get pieces stuck to their butt cheeks. They have hairy bear asses. Duh. Oh, and I hate stinky towels.

Pizza Process


01 Oct

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Posted in Food, Health, Regular People, Work | 6 Comments »

Is it necessary to have the option to follow your pizza orders online? Do people really need a five minute update on their food? Dominoes offers this ridiculous offer called Tracker, and you can follow each employee handling your food all throughout the Prep, Bake, Quality Check, and Delivery Status.

8:23 — Order Placed.
8:24 — Juan is smoothing out your dough. He just came back from the bathroom. There’s a pubic hair on his finger. Juan is smoothing out your dough some more. The hair is now gone. I wonder where it went?
8:30 — Sal, the sauce man, is now coming over. He’s gonna spread that sauce for ya. He’s also getting over a cold. Can you hear that cough? It’s sounds productive. The phlegm on his apron is yellowish orange. So don’t you worry, that’s a sign he’s getting better.
8:35 — Time to bake those germs away.
8:42 — Times up! Hope it was enough. Jesus (Hey-Suess) is now packaging up your pizza. He sounds safe and biblical. However, this Jesus gave into temptation — with that ugly cashier girl in the deep freeze. His aromatic fingers are now placing that little white pizza table thing inside your pizza box. Can’t risk a crushed pizza box, now can we?
8:46 — David is now driving your order in his rusty Volvo. The kittens he just murdered with his Goodyear tires was a necessary evil in order to assure your pizza arrives on time.
8:50 — David has delivered your order.
8:52 — David thinks your tip sucks. Tomorrow morning when you drive to work you’ll wonder how a dog managed to climb the hood of your car and squat over your windshield. You’ll also remember to never use windshield wipers to wipe away poo.

Banana Aesthetics


03 Sep

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Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling, Family, Health, Uncategorized | 10 Comments »

Bananas are good to eat. But usually people don’t eat the entire banana. Everybody’s got their own banana prejudice. Which is sad if you’re a banana. Some people peel it and then throw away the tip. Or eat most of the banana and throw away the bottom tip. Or some people just hate the bruised parts. And will go through great lengths to avoid them — like visiting old people who prefer open windows to air condition.

My dad happens to prefer bruises on a banana. To him you couldn’t bruise a banana enough. Unless maybe you left it in a car with Chris Brown. But even my dad doesn’t eat the entire banana. Because like me, we don’t like the strings that are on the bananas. Even though you’ve peeled the banana, you still have to peel off these tiny annoying little banana strings.
They have a name. They’re called Phloem Bundles and they bring nutrition to the fruit. I’m telling you this because I don’t want you walking around hating a part of a fruit — and not even know the actual name of it.
That’s irresponsible and stupid. Just like that awful filmmaker who gave that cup to those two girls.

It Could Be Worse


02 Jul

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Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling, Growing Up, Health, Philosophical Poo | No Comments »

This tickle is entitled, “It Could Be Worse.” They say somebody always has it worse than you. Sometimes I see these people or I read about them. And it makes me feel grateful for what I’ve got. But eventually, I forget about them and get caught up with my own problems again. Which is really unproductive. Like having hiccups underwater. It’s hard to talk sense to your own competing problems. Quite often I am swayed by the opinions of: the ‘Losing Your Hair’ fairies, the ‘Diarrhea On Vacation’ evil spirits, the ‘Money Problem’ pixies, the ‘Did You Lose Weight Because You’re Lookin’ Too Skinny’ demons, the ‘Egg Fart’ ghosts, the ‘Poor Me I’m Feeling Sick’ goblins, the ‘My Job Sucks So Much’ gnomes, and of course the ‘I’ll Never Have A Pet Monkey Like Ross From The Show Friends’  elves.

Scott Hammon

The Real Tickle