As you know, the holiday season is upon us. So let’s be real and forget about the saying ‘It’s better to give than to receive’ and modify it a little. How about “It’s better to receive then to return?” Everybody hates returning things. But it’s usually inevitable. And some stores have horrible return policies. I keep my receipts. I just can’t remember where I keep them. And I hate getting store credit. I once returned a bag of litter because my cat died. I even had my receipt but the cashier said she could only give me store credit. It was a pet store and I no longer had a pet. I explained this to her, but she just kept telling me that the dog treats were on sale, and I should stock up while I still can.

Sometimes when you’re returning stuff the clerks ask what’s wrong with it, or why is it being returned. It’s none of their damn business. But if they’re looking for a good reason, then try:

a) Your mom prefers that I wear briefs. These silk boxers keep snagging on her dry calloused hands.
b) Because stripes make Bo Bo ANGRY!!
c) We need to talk. We can’t keep doing this. The manager is going to get suspicious. And my wife keeps wondering why I always accidently buy her the wrong size.
d) Is cotton supposed to make you fart?
e) Her dead body is way too bloated now. I can’t get her to fit in this.
f) Last night I killed an old couple drinking and driving. They swerved to avoid me and crashed into a giant oak. Well, I found this in their trunk. With the receipt. I said to myself, ‘Hey, I know a way to get some fast cash.”
g) This gypsy lady who’s helping me get rid of some personal demons wanted me to bring her a hound’s tooth. I thought she was talking about the clothing pattern. Now I have to kill a dog. By the way, if I foster a dog from a shelter, and the dog mysteriously dies, I don’t have to pay for it, right?