Posts Tagged ‘dogs’

Wrinkles


26 Nov

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Posted in Annoyances, Anyway I'm Rambling | 4 Comments »

 

Ironing can be a fun activity…if there is something wrong with you. There is probably something wrong with everybody, but if you enjoy ironing then you either have no friends or you’re a prison inmate trying to avoid unwanted lovers by working in the laundry facility.
When I’m done ironing, the shirt that started off having just a few wrinkles ends up looking like a Shar Pei. I’ve used starch before, and found some success with the steam button. But usually one trip in my car brings all my wrinkles back. It’s like my car knows how to reveal my true nature. Why are wrinkles so hard to hide? If you have a food stain, you can just cover it with a pin, broach, or a button that says I’m Not On Drugs Today or something like that. What I really hate are those stores that sell clothes with the wrinkles already ingrained in the product. If I wear a wrinkled shirt at work, nobody’s gonna think I’m being stylish. They’re either gonna think I don’t know how to iron or that my version of a closet is keeping all my clothes scattered on the floor. I knew plenty of people that lived like that in college. They didn’t have a walk-in closet, they had a walk-on closet.

The Dog Snifferer


17 Sep

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Posted in Animals, Anyway I'm Rambling, Family | 4 Comments »

Dogs are very forgiving. If you live in the city and have a dog you have to pick up your dogs poop. And they always spend a long time trying to figure out where they’re gonna release that poop. After they do, the owner picks it up with a baggie and throws it away. And yet the dog never gives so much as a mean look. Like, “Hey! What the hell? That was not a random squat. I put that there for a reason! This is like our version of the U.S. postal system — and you’re messin’ with the mail!!” Apparently, dogs have a sense of smell that can smell 1,000 to 10,000 times better than humans. That’s crazy. I bet when dogs sniff others dogs’ poop, they can smell an incredible amount of information: Like how they’re feeling, What they ate, How their day was, Or maybe something funny that happened when their owners weren’t home. With noses that strong, I bet they can even smell each others dreams. I’m glad our noses don’t work like that, because if my wife walked into the bathroom while I was going number two, she’d be like, “You’ve been dreamin’ about that bitch again, haven’t you!?!

Dog Tails


09 Jul

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Posted in Animals, Anyway I'm Rambling | No Comments »

This tickle is entitled, “Dog Tails.” Oh, the poor dogs. A lot of people think some dogs are born with short tails. But they’re really cut off by people. Do people cut them off because of tail envy or because tails have a tendency to knock crap off of tables? No, they cut them off just because. It’s called docking. Did you know it’s illegal in most countries, except the USA and New Zealand? The way I see it is, flies like poop. And butts smell like poop. And animals need tails to keep flies away from their smelly butts. That’s why Rottweilers, pit bulls, and Doberman Pinschers are stereotypically grumpy dogs. Because they can’t keep little bugs away from their butt. If I felt something crawling around down there all day and I couldn’t do nothin’ about it, I’d probably bite somebody too.

Pets


13 Mar

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Posted in Anyway I'm Rambling, Family | No Comments »

This Tickle is entitled “Pets.”  I love animals.  I grew up having a lot of pets.  If I was to buy a pet today, it would be a dog. Unfortunately, the love of my life is allergic to animals.  Not cute ones, just ones with hair.  Animals with hair have this thing called dander. It sounds like dandy.  Which rhymes with candy.  So how could it make people – like my wife – so miserable?  She loves candy.  To her, a dog is like a big tail-wagging-piece-of-pollen.  Every time we visit my family, she takes allergy medicine, because we have a golden retriever – and they have A LOT of candy.  Once, she took a new allergy product and she lost her sense of smell for a month.  She literally couldn’t smell anything – even rubbing alcohol. After I use the bathroom, I usually open the window, fan out the stink, and spray some Lysol.  But not that month.

Scott Hammon

The Real Tickle