This tickle is entitled, “Washing Hands.” When you wash your hands, you’re supposed to wash them long enough to sing Happy Birthday two times. Then most of the germs are supposed to die. I don’t know how long germs live, but it’s kind of morbid to sing Happy Birthday as you’re murdering them.
Have you ever sang Happy birthday two times in a row as you washed your hands? It’s not a Happy experience. It’s kinda boring, and people look at you funny if you’re in a public restroom. When I catch them staring I say, “What? They deserved it. Each one of them germs. And I hope they burn in hell.”

Who invented this song-cleaning method anyhow? I can never make it through even one verse. Which makes me feel really dirty. Like a first kiss with a girl that just had a fish oil burp.

Which brings me to dirty dishes. Am I supposed to sing Happy Birthday twice for each dish? And what about forks and spoons? Those actually go into your mouth. I don’t wanna be eatin’ no germs! And that would require a lot of Happy Birthdays. I would have to perform a soap cleaning concert each day. A soap opera. Even my mom wouldn’t stay for an encore of Happy Birthday after a concert of Happy Birthday.

Did you know that the Time-Warner Corporation owns the song Happy Birthday? And they get paid royalties every time it’s publicly sang or heard in a film? It’s true. If you look closely at your Time-Warner bill you’ll notice a small Happy Birthday charge. Next to it, in parenthesis it says, “Don’t lie. You know you sang that sh*t.”